Tag Archives: depression

Can I get a light please?

Time goes by so fast. I know we all grow up hearing that but when the reality of it slaps you in the face it really hurts. Lately I’ve been looking back at my past. So many regrets. Many things I’d hoped to do and they never came to fruition.  Many dreams never fulfilled. And my non-stop analytic mind tries desperately to explain all the whys. Why didn’t I…. or I should have… My mind drives me to the point of insanity at times. Anxiety and depression fill my days with thoughts of not accomplishing the plans of my youth.

So this being my last go around. I’m making it my goal, even at my age to go back to school and get a degree. Photography has been my release, my passion, and the only escape from reality. So the “plan” , I use quotation marks because so far it’s just a plan and my plans always seem to fail, is to get into school and work my damnedest to get somewhere with it. I say my last go around due to all the failed attempts of the past. In my eyes its this or nothing, now or never. A lot of roadblocks have cropped up in my attempt so far and maybe school will resolve that. It may be a long road but it’s the only road that has any light shining on it. And I’ve traveled down too many dark roads. Time for a little light for the trip.

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A link that explains so much

I saw this recently on Facebook. It sure explains what goes on in my head. I wish all my family and friends understood this.

http://www.vox.com/2014/12/4/7262991/anxiety-disorder-help


Time for involvement

With the suicidal death of Jacob, a 15 year old teen who had a wonderful life as far as anyone could tell, I’m thinking I should step up and get involved with kids who are thinking that’s the only option. Having been there myself I wonder if sharing my experiences could make a difference. Maybe not but if it could save even one heartache it would be worth the effort. And it might be therapeutic for me as well. Just talking about my experience seems to lessen the pain of the memories.tumblr_mip74x4uwA1rgh99zo1_500


So now what?

I have been so engrossed in self-pity and other depressive processes lately I have to pull myself out. One thing that has come of it is I have found that my passion for photography is my only escape. I have in all my lonely hours figured out more of the whys to my love of the craft. It is my way of staring down reality in the face and climbing the obtrusive walls in my life. So now I move forward. Plans fail and I have to live with that but giving up is not an option anymore. Better things ARE in store! Weather permitting of course!


Trying to understand

Ok. Guess I’ll talk. I had a blog once before where I shared some of this but I gave up on it. But I have so many things on my mind right now. I don’t know what all to share. A close friend is following this so she’ll read it. I wouldn’t share these things with other friends cause I know how sometimes friends backstab. But I trust her completely. She knows who she is and that I love her to death.

I’m gay obviously. And I recently married a woman that I’ve been friends with for years. Weird I know but I’ll hopefully get to that. But for now just try to understand. I came out in my twenties. I had had things happen when I was young but that’s not something I’ll share at the moment. When I came out I was a musician in a band that traveled around the country. My best friend was in it as well. To make a long story short, I fell in love with him. Unfortunately he was straight. He understood and was patient with me but I knew nothing would ever come of it. He eventually married, I was his best man, and our band broke up. I was truly devastated. Not only at losing him but my dream of the band as well.

I went to hair styling school after that. During that period being in a good sized city and having some gay friends I found myself. I was so happy. I wasn’t shy about my sexuality though my mother had a fit about it. Dad was cool and had no issue with it. I tramped around quite a bit. Thoroughly enjoying my freedom. Then after I got out of school I moved back to my hometown.

Big mistake. I became a Christian and soon found myself living a lie. I tried being married but that didn’t work. We soon divorced. I then led a very lonely existence only having a few friends who thought I’d given up my “gayness”. I tried being happy with music in church and raising huskies. But I wasn’t. My mind drifted too many times to my past.

I tried several jobs. Finally finding one helping people with disabilities. I did find a lot of satisfaction in it. Then depression kicked in seriously. Other things happened that just amplified the depression including several suicide attempts and then the accident. Long story there but again I’ll be brief. I died in the accident and was revived. Then spent seven weeks in the hospital. Afterwards I convalesced in a nearby town. My now wife and I got closer but I really was tired of living a lie. And I believed God, and still do, wanted my to be honest about my life. so I came out again. This time on Facebook. Some people were shocked but many already knew and accepted it. My church however rejected me totally. Some of my closest friends still have nothing to do with me.

During all this my friend’s husband passed away. We went on a trip together. On the trip the idea of getting married came up. She was lonely and so was I. Since we had known each other for so many years we thought we’d go ahead.

After marrying I got back into photography. I’d always loved it but never more than just a hobby. But with my new attitude about life I decided to shoot for the stars. We married and things were looking up. But because of things, I won’t say for her benefit, it’s become a very rocky road for the both of us. It’s not all anyone’s fault. We both have our issues. Me especially.

Anyway. Sorry for the boring bio. But I needed to share it.

Now. I’m so clueless. I want to make things work but at the same time I so miss living life as a free gay man. Not that I have for so many years but feelings are creeping back in. I feel like so much of my life was a big waste. So many things I could have done. Maybe even fallen in love with the man of my dreams. And time is marching on. I’m no longer young and that bothers me.

It’s just I look at others who have love, real love in their lives. I feel like it’s so unfair that I can’t have that. Ok I’m being childish. But know what I’m saying here. I’m in a world that’s so foreign to me even though I’ve lived in it for so many years.

Maybe I better stop. I’m depressing myself to much. And having a pity party. I don’t need that right now.

Talk to me. Please. Share your thoughts with me. I really need some friends.

Image

I put this photo back in. To me it represents what being gay has done to me.


Guess it’s been a while

Been a while since I posted anything. I’ve been going through some depression but I think I’m pulling out of it now. Yesterday was the worst. Someone I cared about decided to totally brush me aside. I was hurt pretty bad but it just showed my that I can’t rely on others to make me happy.

Some good news. My photography is taking off some. I did a New Year’s Eve Gay Gala this week and I got a new lens for zooms and macro. Plus it looks like I’ll be collaborating with a model via online. How will we do that? Better stay tuned hadn’t ya!

ImageImage

Here’s a couple of photos from the Gala. This older gentleman was just passing through and after the party was over sat down at the piano and started playing. I walked over and started a conversation. The guy was amazing. He had so much expression in his face and I could tell he’d been around the block a few times. So naturally I had to get some shots of him.


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