Trying to understand

Ok. Guess I’ll talk. I had a blog once before where I shared some of this but I gave up on it. But I have so many things on my mind right now. I don’t know what all to share. A close friend is following this so she’ll read it. I wouldn’t share these things with other friends cause I know how sometimes friends backstab. But I trust her completely. She knows who she is and that I love her to death.

I’m gay obviously. And I recently married a woman that I’ve been friends with for years. Weird I know but I’ll hopefully get to that. But for now just try to understand. I came out in my twenties. I had had things happen when I was young but that’s not something I’ll share at the moment. When I came out I was a musician in a band that traveled around the country. My best friend was in it as well. To make a long story short, I fell in love with him. Unfortunately he was straight. He understood and was patient with me but I knew nothing would ever come of it. He eventually married, I was his best man, and our band broke up. I was truly devastated. Not only at losing him but my dream of the band as well.

I went to hair styling school after that. During that period being in a good sized city and having some gay friends I found myself. I was so happy. I wasn’t shy about my sexuality though my mother had a fit about it. Dad was cool and had no issue with it. I tramped around quite a bit. Thoroughly enjoying my freedom. Then after I got out of school I moved back to my hometown.

Big mistake. I became a Christian and soon found myself living a lie. I tried being married but that didn’t work. We soon divorced. I then led a very lonely existence only having a few friends who thought I’d given up my “gayness”. I tried being happy with music in church and raising huskies. But I wasn’t. My mind drifted too many times to my past.

I tried several jobs. Finally finding one helping people with disabilities. I did find a lot of satisfaction in it. Then depression kicked in seriously. Other things happened that just amplified the depression including several suicide attempts and then the accident. Long story there but again I’ll be brief. I died in the accident and was revived. Then spent seven weeks in the hospital. Afterwards I convalesced in a nearby town. My now wife and I got closer but I really was tired of living a lie. And I believed God, and still do, wanted my to be honest about my life. so I came out again. This time on Facebook. Some people were shocked but many already knew and accepted it. My church however rejected me totally. Some of my closest friends still have nothing to do with me.

During all this my friend’s husband passed away. We went on a trip together. On the trip the idea of getting married came up. She was lonely and so was I. Since we had known each other for so many years we thought we’d go ahead.

After marrying I got back into photography. I’d always loved it but never more than just a hobby. But with my new attitude about life I decided to shoot for the stars. We married and things were looking up. But because of things, I won’t say for her benefit, it’s become a very rocky road for the both of us. It’s not all anyone’s fault. We both have our issues. Me especially.

Anyway. Sorry for the boring bio. But I needed to share it.

Now. I’m so clueless. I want to make things work but at the same time I so miss living life as a free gay man. Not that I have for so many years but feelings are creeping back in. I feel like so much of my life was a big waste. So many things I could have done. Maybe even fallen in love with the man of my dreams. And time is marching on. I’m no longer young and that bothers me.

It’s just I look at others who have love, real love in their lives. I feel like it’s so unfair that I can’t have that. Ok I’m being childish. But know what I’m saying here. I’m in a world that’s so foreign to me even though I’ve lived in it for so many years.

Maybe I better stop. I’m depressing myself to much. And having a pity party. I don’t need that right now.

Talk to me. Please. Share your thoughts with me. I really need some friends.


I put this photo back in. To me it represents what being gay has done to me.


About Skijør

Photographer/ Hairstylist ~ "Be creative, for inspiration lives in the mind of he who can imagine the impossible." View all posts by Skijør

4 responses to “Trying to understand

  • janeybgood

    This is so refreshingly honest, which is what blogging is all about. It’s very cathartic and therapeutic. Good luck to you and great post 🙂

  • Nicole Small

    HI Skijor,

    Thank you for sharing such an honest post. I know this was written a while ago from today, but I thought I would send you my thoughts.

    The answer of happiness I right in front of you. It is to embrace who you are as a person and to move forward with it.You may loose some but you can also gain too, keep that in mind. A positive mind does wonders..and it can be right around the corner or miles away, but it does work. Believing in what you want and wishing are two different things. You have to believe.

    I know this is easier said then done, but this is my thoughts on what you have written and shared.

    I am not sure where you are right now, but I hope you have found yourself to happiness and love. If not, don’t give up. Things start within so you have to believe.


    • Skijør

      Thank you Nicole. It has been a rough go. I still deal with the depression. But as I can see by looking at your blog you understand the therapy of photography. If I didn’t have that I honestly don’t know what I’d do. Commit harry carry I guess. 🙂 Nice blog by the way. I enjoy your photos.

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